Allard Girl has all the juicy gossip

NAMES HAVE BEEN ALTERED TO PROTECT THE IDENTITIES OF THE PARTIES REFERRED TO. ALSO, MOST OF THIS ISN’T TRUE.

Hey there future lawyers. Allard Girl here, your one and only source into the monotonous lives of law students. Here’s the dirt you’ve all been waiting for…

 

x o x o

As the World Famous UBC Law Boat Cruise approaches, frantic 1Ls should immediately put aside their readings in order to secure a date. Believe me, having someone to wait in the bar line for you is much more important than trying to follow along with whatever Sheppard is saying. And if your eyes are on the 1L Nikos Harriss lookalike…make sure it really is him, and not Nikos himself: we’ve heard even Professor Bennedet has gotten the two confused once or twice.

x o x o

 

Not even one month into his time at Allard Hall, Kurtis Jonez is already under heavy scrutiny for shady dealings surrounding law school extra-curriculars. A fellow 1L in Scow, who wished to remain anonymous, reported that she saw him speaking to Brenda Shwabb the day before the race, and handing off an indistinguishable package.  The next day, Brenda purported to break her nose due to a mysterious “charades injury”, effectively eliminating her team from the hunt. Aubin Calverte, the captain of Brenda’s team, said after the fact: “I believed her at the time, but now that I think about it – really? Charades broke her nose?  Does she really think people believe that?”

 

Patrick Bobynn, the captain of the 5th place team, was also unimpressed. He said of the incident: “I put together a team of pretty girls and hockey bros and we don’t even break the top 3? That’s bush league. That bro Kurtis is a total duster.”

 

Kurtis also recently won the Blakes Plasma Car race, deepening suspicions that he has been bent on Allard Hall domination since day one.

 

Speaking of the Plasma Car race, it has been reported that multiple 2Ls were thrown out for creating their own Karaoke stage. When will they ever stop talking about “Houseboat”?

 

x o x o

 

If you’ve ever swooned over Malcolm Phunt’s dreamy hair (and we know that most of us have), prepare to be heartbroken. It was revealed to the Legal Eye by an anonymous but reliable source close to Malcolm that he has been wearing a wig since entering law school. Bald since birth, Malcolm reportedly used to wear a long, dark, dreadlocked wig during his “reggae phase” in undergrad, but ditched it for the more conservative strawberry blonde flow a week before orientation week in first year.  Other notable outed wig-wearers in Allard Hall include Brett Weningerr (1L), Blair McRadue (2L), and Patrick Wallker (3L). Patrick is apparently in the market for a new wig, as his current one is becoming a little threadbare.

 

x o x o

 

After the creation of the budget reform committee, it was expected that the budget process would be less controversial this year.  However, with Rochelle Colette in power, it has been rumoured that the Honey Badgers women’s rugby team has received sudden injections of cash.  Though no hard evidence has yet surfaced, there have been reports of questionable expenditures. E-tickets to Vegas in the names of Rochelle, Emily McKlintock, Lauren Reed, and Kaila Strung were left open on the screen of the LSS’ newly-purchased iMac. All four ladies were also spotted at River Rock Casino on Saturday, where Rochelle was seen pulling fistfuls of twenties out of her purse and slapping them down on the craps table, as Kaila drunkenly yelled, “I do what I want!”

 

Their arrogance has been noticed around the school as well, as they strut through the hall and make fun of “nerds” on a daily basis. When asked by a Legal Eye correspondent, a concerned Criley O’Crien, of the fiscally-responsible and equity-focused Illegal Beavers rugby team, had this to say: “I just don’t like how they hold themselves – they strut around Allard Hall like they own the place. We should motion to have their budget funding cut by half, because, like, they’re not being very nice.”

 

Strung and McKlintock, the Honey Badgers’ Co-Presidents, were unavailable for comment, but Reed stopped by our interview with O’Crien long enough to say, “Honey Badger don’t care. Honey badger don’t give a s*&t”, before kicking O’Crien in the knee-cap and stealing his lunch money.

x o x o

The race for the 2014-2015 LSS Executive is quickly heating up. Paul Kresock has a 100% attendance rate at the ever-exclusive “Brunch Club”. That is either a serious love for waffles, or a strong desire to be the first ever 4L(SS) President. Whatever his motive, he’ll face some serious competition from current 4L Andrew Diltz. Diltz, the only party-planner to guarantee a “no-line” entry, has already created his own boat cruise and joined the UBC Law Colour Run team. It is confirmed that there are unconfirmed reports that he is still living at Allard. Step your game up, Kresock.

x o x o

 

You know you love me.

xoxo,

Allard Girl

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s